29th December 2016

Today marks 2 years since the pilot died.

Today I’m sad.

2 years since he died and I didn’t know until the next day but I knew something was wrong. It still hurts. Just because he didn’t care for me as much as I did him doesn’t mean I don’t feel sad. He wasn’t a great boyfriend but he was a lovely guy. 

1 year ago I was so happy. I had a loving partner who knew it was going to be tough for me so he spent the day distracting me and keeping me smiling. 

Today I’m on my own. I’m glad I’m on my own because I can feel and cry in peace. Today I allow myself to hurt. To not block out the hurt. I’m supposed to be working right now but it’ll have to wait until I’ve grieved for all that I have lost.

I took my 2pm Zoloft as always. I like that I can still feel with it. I don’t feel numb, I feel a little more in control. I would have liked to skip it and get extremely messed up and drunk but that’s not me. That’s not the sensible choice. I have to be responsible. 

It hurts and I’m sad.

I’m sitting on my bed writing this and look up to see my face in the bathroom mirror opposite. It’s red, puffy and tear streaked.

Today I’m sad and I allow myself to feel the hurt.

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